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“It made me so angry I wasn’t thinking”

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How often have you heard this statement and wondered if it is just an excuse

or if there is any truth in it? Let's find out. With the goal of managing anger, 

and avoiding heartache and regrets, we must first understand what it is and how it works.

 

The best way of managing anger is by understanding what it is and learning to be aware of your anger. Anger can be triggered by a number of emotions. Different triggers for different people. The reason people say or do regrettable things is due to the fact they are unaware at the time of how the anger is bypassing rational thinking.

It's important to understand that anger itself is not destructive, like anything in life if we miss use it or get out of control, the outcome can not only be disruptive, excessive anger can turn into rage and impact our physical and emotional health, relationships and simply take over life. The good thing is you can manage it by becoming aware of it.  

 

Understanding the psychology of anger
 

Anger is simply the fear of harm. Anger response causes our muscles to tense up. Neurochemicals are released in the brain creating an energy burst. This burst of energy lasts up to several minutes. During the reaction, heart rate blood pressure and rate of breathing increase. The natural intention during anger is to protect and to attack.  If you don’t do anything to control the anger as you notice the triggers, additional neurotransmitters are released and cause arousal to last longer so you can fight and the emotion can get out of control and can pay attention to nothing else.

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Our brain is not only keeping us alive it is also wired to motivate us and protect us from danger. Think about feeling lazy and just don’t want to get up from your chair then you see the Chair is on fire, how quick will you get up and run? The brain went to action instantly sending an adrenaline rush motivating you to act. No time to think but react.

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As we already know anger is a reaction or a signal by the limbic system (emotional section of the brain) In such events with extreme emotions., the amygdala (the fear response centre) goes into action without much regard for the consequences.  Since this is not the area of the brain which involves judging, thinking, or evaluating it assumes we are in danger, it bypasses the thinking or logical part of the brain. And prepare our whole body and mind to defend ourselves.

Is it true that people don’t always mean what they say when they are angry?

There is a contradiction in this belief. Some might say, people actually say the truth when they are angry. Both beliefs are true. Because remember without rational thinking it is the emotions talking. Therefore if someone is keeping some thoughts that they feel they shouldn’t or couldn’t share, while experiencing anger without conscious thinking they are likely to say what they are feeling.

On the other hand, they might also say things like, I never want to talk to you again, I don’t care what you think something defensive or reactive. But these statements are not rationally thought and constructed. Sadly, words shared during anger can damage and can create new problems that did not exist at the time.

The force behind the rage

• Anger shows up when your expectations are lost

• Anger occurs when experiencing a threat

• Anger appears as an attempt to hide other emotions such as shame and guilt or offence.

 

The above examples are primary emotions, which are what we feel immediately before we feel anger. So, we see here whatever emotion one feels threatened by (shame, fear, self-doubt) whatever that may be, they will cause us to depend on ourselves emotionally as the adrenaline rushes from the brain we are likely to be aggressive and may even be forceful.  Remember we are not thinking rationally at this point but emotionally.  

This shows why people become defensive when angry. The lesson to remember is people become reactive based on what matters to them or what bothers them the most. These are usually emotions that have some meanings or pain attached to them based on previous experience. The bottom line is when someone is angry, it is not the event or the person that makes them angry, it is what they are feeling and how they respond to the situation. They may not always be angry with you, but what is going on at the time?  However, as we cannot see the internal emotions, we believe it is the person or the event that is visual to us is the source of anger. Hence the anger is usually directed at someone or an event.

So, when and how will it stop?

 

Tips on managing anger

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• Listening is one of the most important skills in communication. Listen actively to what people are saying, ask questions if you are uncertain. Don’t assume what they are saying. Assumptions come from our previous experience or knowledge and can derail a conversation or relationship. Focus on here and now. Wait till they finish what they are saying, take a moment and reflect on what you are about to say.

•Try to avoid having serious or important conversations while distressed at the time

• If someone is angry, try not to take it personally, think about what it is that triggers their anger. What are they defensive about?

• Try to lower your own voice and prevent yourself from asking provocative questions such as ‘what is wrong with you?’.

• Try not to explain or carry on the conversation further. Calmly say, ‘I’d like to stop and take a break, let’s talk about it in few minutes. Take time to calm yourself.

• Engage in breathing exercises for a few minutes

• On regular bases:

• Think gratifying thoughts regularly.

• Get to know yourself and your emotions well

• Talk about your feelings

• Welcome constructive criticism

• Take time to relax

• Pray/learn calming exercises

• Exercise regularly

•           Get enough sleep

•           Practice stopping and taking time to think about what you are about to say.

• Regularly discuss and deal with small concerns before they become complicated.

If you are feeling angry easily and frequently, get help, don’t let it take over your life.

Book a free consultation over the phone. Confidentiality is highly respected.  

 

Benefits of anger management

•           Learning to manage your own anger, understanding how anger works and why people act in the way they do, can bring healing and help resolve lifelong heartaches.

•           Help maintain relationships and effective problem-solving.

Improve overall health

•           Happier workplace.

•           Happier home.

•           Become a better parent, a better partner

•           Becoming more empathetic

•           Building better relationships

•           Gaining new insight

•           Developing better judgement.

•           Become better at effective problem solving

•           Make healthy decisions

•           May even prevent addictions

•           Less psychological problems

 

Anger can be like a fire, can be ignited in many ways, controlled it can be useful, left to its own device can destroy anything in its way. Anything and everything it comes into contact with that isn’t heatproof, can fuel it. But it can be diminished if intervention is early.

If you are experiencing anger problems or living with someone who is, seek help today.

Book your free consultation today.

Effective anger management skills can be learned in individual counselling or in a group setting. Your wellness and privacy are our priority. 

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DISCLAIMER
Please note, that the content of this website is for educational purposes only, not to be taken as therapeutic advice. All information shared is based on the evidence-based practice framework of EFL counselling and coaching. If you have any questions or you are needing professional help please contact EFL for a free consultation over the phone or contact your GP.  
 

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