The Label Trap
- indranilewthwaite
- Jul 29
- 3 min read
Updated: Sep 5
How Relationship Advice Online Is Quietly Eroding Connection
By Indrani Lewthwaite | Psychotherapist & Relationship Therapist
In today’s digital age, we are swimming in relationship advice.
Scroll through your social media feed, and within seconds, you’ll likely find a post explaining trauma bonds, diagnosing your ex as a narcissist, or identifying your partner’s attachment style based on a two-minute video.
While there’s no doubt that psychoeducation can be empowering, we must ask:
What happens when helpful language becomes harmful labelling?
What begins as a genuine search for clarity and healing can quickly become an unconscious drift into disconnection and blame.
When Labels Become Beliefs
“I think he’s an avoidant.”
“She’s so narcissistic, she’ll never change.”
“He’s gaslighting me.”
These phrases are now part of everyday conversations, even among people with little to no mental health training. While these terms originated in clinical, therapeutic contexts to aid in understanding human behaviour, they are now being applied as conclusive diagnoses in social media comment sections, coffee catch-ups, and even therapy sessions, often without nuance or proper context.
But when we apply labels without understanding the full story, we stop asking questions. We stop being curious.
And worse, we start relating to the label instead of the person.
The Risk of Misuse: Labels That Wound, Not Heal
In my clinical work, I have witnessed the impact of these misused labels:
They prevent self-reflection: When a partner is labelled as “toxic,” there is little incentive to examine how we might also be contributing to the dynamic. Labels often externalise the problem, making healing a one-way street.
They erode empathy: It’s hard to hold space for someone’s trauma history or context when we’ve already decided they are incapable of change.
They limit growth: If someone is “just avoidant,” we may miss the deeper layers of fear, shame, or unhealed wounds that can be transformed in the presence of compassion and co-regulation.
They justify emotional cut-off: Labels can make disconnection feel righteous—especially when online narratives frame leaving as the only empowered choice.
Sometimes, leaving is the healthiest option. But when labels drive the decision, rather than clarity, safety, and insight, the outcome may be relief in the short term—and regret in the long term.
The Rise of "Second-Hand Diagnoses"
We are seeing an increase in what I call “second-hand diagnoses,” when people use clinical language they’ve read online to define others. While mental health literacy is important, using these terms out of context can lead to self-righteousness instead of self-awareness.
When a person is reduced to a label, we often miss their pain, their patterns, and their potential.
Likewise, when we adopt labels ourselves, “I’m just anxious-attached,” “I’m neurodivergent,” “I’m a trauma survivor” we may unconsciously limit ourselves to a fixed identity.
Labels should inform, not imprison.
They are starting points for inquiry, not endpoints for judgment.
Reclaiming Curiosity Over Certainty
True healing begins not with a label, but with curiosity.
What if instead of asking, “Is my partner avoidant?” we asked, “What might be driving their fear of closeness?”
What if instead of declaring someone “toxic,” we explored, “What boundary do I need here, and what part of me allowed this to go unspoken?”
What if we replaced the question “What’s wrong with them?” with “What happened to them?”—and also, “What’s happening inside me?”
It’s through curiosity that we rediscover the human behind the behaviour, the hurt beneath the reaction, and the hope that can lead to change.
What Healthy Relationship Support Looks Like
As a trauma-informed therapist, I believe in clarity. But clarity isn’t the same as labelling.
Healthy support helps couples and individuals:
✔ Explore their triggers with compassion
✔ Understand nervous system reactions and how they impact communication
✔ Learn to co-regulate instead of co-blame
✔ Set boundaries from groundedness, not from anger
✔ Take responsibility for their own healing
When this kind of support is present, people soften. Insight emerges. Change becomes possible.
Love Can Return—But Only with Awareness
The truth is, many couples today are not failing at love; they are simply drowning in misunderstood advice, unhealed pain, and quick-fix labels.
But love can return. Connection can be reclaimed.
And I’ve seen it happen again and again, but only when both people are willing to seek help and stay committed to becoming self-aware.
Because it is through self-awareness that we become other-aware.
It is in the mirror of our own growth that we become safe, seen, and supportive to one another again.
Let’s trade labels for language that heals. Let’s choose curiosity over conclusions. Let’s make room for the kind of conversations that transform—not just categorise—our relationship.
Written by Indrani Lewthwaite – Psychotherapist, Relationship Therapist & Coach.
Supporting individuals and couples to heal deeply, connect safely, and grow together.
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