Beneath the Surface: What Drives the Way We Love and Protect in Relationships

indranilewthwaite
Jun 2
3 min read

Updated: 2 days ago

Have you ever wondered why certain moments in your relationship seem to trigger an outsized emotional reaction? Why does your partner flinch when you raise your voice — even if you didn’t mean anything by it — or why do you shut down the moment a conversation feels slightly critical?

These moments are often not about what's happening now, but what has happened repeatedly over time. As a trauma therapist and psychotherapist, I’ve seen firsthand how couples unknowingly condition each other to react, feel, and behave in ways that reinforce disconnection rather than healing.

What many don't realize is that these patterns mirror powerful psychological theories — classical conditioning and operant conditioning — that were first discovered in the lab but show up most profoundly in the living room.

Classical Conditioning: When the Past Hijacks the Present

Classical conditioning was first discovered by Ivan Pavlov in the early 20th century. His famous experiment showed how dogs could be conditioned to salivate at the sound of a bell, once that bell had been repeatedly paired with the arrival of food (Pavlov, 1927).

In relationships, a similar process can occur.

Imagine a partner who has been repeatedly criticised in a certain tone of voice. Over time, even a neutral statement spoken in that same tone can evoke anxiety or defensiveness. Their body doesn’t know the difference — it reacts to the pattern, not the intention.

This type of emotional wiring can happen in childhood, too. A child who learns that affection is followed by abandonment may grow up equating love with fear. That emotional reflex becomes part of their adult relationships — until it’s brought to awareness and gently rewired.

Proverbs 15:1 beautifully captures this truth:

"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."Our nervous systems learn to associate tones, facial expressions, and reactions with safety or danger. A gentle word can soothe the conditioned fear. A harsh one can revive old wounds — even unintentionally.

🔄 Operant Conditioning: Shaping Each Other Without Realising It

Operant conditioning, pioneered by B.F. Skinner, is based on the idea that behavior is shaped by reinforcement, positive or negative outcomes that follow our actions (Skinner, 1953).

In relationships, we may:

Withdraw emotionally when our partner expresses vulnerability — unintentionally punishing openness.
Reward silence by “keeping the peace” — reinforcing emotional suppression.
Only give affection after compliance — reinforcing conditional love.

These subtle reinforcements create powerful behavioural loops. Over time, partners learn what “works” — even if what works causes emotional distance.

Scripture reflects this insight powerfully:

“A man reaps what he sows.” — Galatians 6:7When we sow understanding, we often receive openness. When we sow fear or control, we harvest resistance. What we reinforce in our relationships becomes the soil our love either grows in — or withers from.

How Early Conditioning Shapes Adult Love and Mental Health

Many people enter adult relationships with internalised patterns learned in childhood. These are not moral failings — they are coping strategies developed by the mind and nervous system to survive.

But what works for survival in childhood often backfires in adulthood. The child who learned to go quiet to avoid punishment may grow into a partner who shuts down during conflict. The child who became the peacemaker to hold a chaotic home together may become the partner who avoids the truth to avoid tension.

These coping strategies are forms of conditioning, and they influence:

Attachment styles
Emotional regulation
Conflict patterns
Mental health

They also shape how we see ourselves and others — often through the lens of fear, not faith.

Transformation Begins With Awareness

The good news is: what is learned can be unlearned.

When couples and individuals begin to see these patterns, not as personal failures but as learned responses, compassion grows. Healing becomes possible.

We can begin to intentionally condition our relationships toward:

Safety instead of shame
Responsiveness instead of reactivity
Understanding instead of assumptions

This is what it means to bring heaven to earth in our relationships — not by pretending things are perfect, but by bringing wisdom, compassion, and spiritual insight into the messy, beautiful process of human connection.

🕊️ Inspired by Proverbs 15:1

As a faith-informed therapist, I often return to the simple but profound truth:

“A gentle answer turns away wrath…”

This is not just a spiritual ideal — it's a neuroscientific principle. A calm tone, a kind gesture, a moment of attunement — these become the new cues that recondition the heart and brain for safety and love.

We grow intellectually. We age physically. But healing the heart — that takes intention. It takes understanding. It takes grace.